Story Behind the Song: In Love Again
Back in 2008 when razordoll was just an idea being formed by István (our original guitarist) and me, we were meeting at my place to show each other the ideas for songs we both had. By that time I had already two truckloads of ideas, some just riffs, some just lyrics, and some already recorded using GarageBand. István had a couple rock-n-rolly riffs and an obsession with poker for some reason or the other.
I've been writing lyrics, poems and what have you since back in high school where a friend of mine and I published a school paper that contained our – usually – incoherent ramblings and whatever we though of as cool. And since I started razordoll as a creative outlet and a way for me to be able to shout my anger and frustration into the world, I naturally felt I would be responsible for writing the lyrics. Which has been the case for most razordoll songs, but with In Love Again this is not completely true.
One day István came to my place and showed me the main riff for the song that would become In Love Again, and when he did he also added 'and I want the chorus to be I'm in love again'. He continued to tell me that when he wrote the riff he wanted to write about the feeling one has when winning at a poker game after losing the last couple of games, which he said reminded him of being in love again.
István and me at a concert at Tisza Gyöngye, Szeged in 2009.
Obviously, I would have none of that. I always steered clear of gambling and could not wrap my head around his obsession with the subject of the matter. I also spent my teenage years listening to Alice in Chains, Therapy?, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Faith No More and the occasional Nirvana, which pretty much guaranteed that for me to enjoy a song, it must have plenty of angst, tongue-in-cheek attitude or anger aimed at the world.
At the same time I did not want to argue with István about this, we would go on arguing about enough other stuff in the future anyway. So I thought, alright, I can work with this. I took the original idea, to have the chorus end in I'm in love again, and then let the rest of the song detail the pain, the angst, the uncertainty that love is, at different stages of a relationship. I even added one of my recurring themes to the song: lies. It has always fascinated and appalled me how much lies dominate the everyday interaction between people, be it lovers, friends, co-workers or family.
When I showed it to István he said this was not what he had in mind, but he liked the end result, and we stuck with it. In Love Again became the opener for dysnomia, our debut EP released in 2009.
In Love Again (from dysnomia)
Sometimes I realise that the lies I tell won’t stick
Sometimes the world seems to close up behind me
I want it to hurt again, a little bit more, don’t you get it?
I want to push it all too far, too far
Right now I don’t mind if I destroy my sorry life
You see, I’m in love again
No one in their right mind would get back with me
Nothing you try to hold into the light can bring me back
Right now I don’t mind if I will be the lie you seek
No way, this can’t be real, my pain won’t seize
Right now the pain is what I seek, just get it on
You see, I’m in love again
It might ache, it might hurt
It might bleed, it might burn
It might tear, it might bruise
It might cut, learn to lose!
Inside, inside, inside I hide my lies
Inside, inside, inside I hide my lies
Inside, inside, inside I hide my lies
Inside, inside, inside I hide my lies